I am so fucking sick.

I thought I'd never come back here...I guess I was wrong.

Too much has changed to detail here now, but that's why I'm here, so I'll never have to...

...I hope I'll never have to again.

I can't believe this is happening to me.  All this time I thought I'd never do this, never fall so far under the water.  I did.  This feeling has a name:  anger.

My mom has drunk like a sour pig for so long.  I thought anger was one of those forbidden emotions I could never feel about her, because after all, she's my mother, right?  Wrong.  You see, I've realized a bunch of shit since you've seen me last:

• For so long I've been my own parent.
• I'm scared of being out of control (anger and freefall bring me this shitty feeling and I detest it)
• 1) didn't cause it, 2) can't change it, 3) can't control it (in regards to my mom's alcoholism, which doesn't affect me much at all anymore)
• I can do some things; it's not that hard
• I am worth something.
• I can live for myself.  I have a real reason to now.
• I feel so fucking cheated.  It's so unfair.

I'm so pissed right now, and I think I'm scared, but when I look back and really think about it, I'm not scared at all.  In fact, I'm exhilarated, I feel adrenaline.  I'm maybe even a little relieved.

But still, I live with robots.  And that's all I can think about.

There is one thing that shouldn't have to be said:  there are two sides to every story.  Sadly, it has to come up for those too naive to absorb it, and even then it is never stentorian enough for them to hear, nor is it frequent enough for them to finally get it.

But honestly, this is a truth we should acknowledge.  Some view the 9-11 suicidal plane pilots as heroes.  It's the same in everyday situations; people don't exactly have to fit the 9-11-provoked definition of a terrorist.  It could be an abusive husband, leading an organization fighting against breast cancer or something in the limelight, but terrible to his wife behind the scenes.

   

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Hello, it's me again.    I think I've changed my mind from the last time I reviewed this question.  I would rather be a woman.  For one, we experience pain that many men haven't had the luck to feel (though some have), and when we experience this pain, we are bringing wonderful, unimpressioned children into this world that could be perfect, though their parents might teach them not to be later in life.

Women have thoughts, dreams, aspirations -- to a deeper extent than men.  They can dig deeper than men know how to; for them, all it is is sports (I know some men who don't like sports, and some women who do) and sex and all this other stuff.  Whenever a man experiences something deep, it's either with a woman or he's gay.  That is being a little stereotypical towards men, but don't hate.  That's just in my experience.

There is this saying that "love is one chapter in a boy's life, but for a girl, it's the whole book" (me paraphrasing slightly).  Girls are more adept to feelings than males are.  Ideals separate females and males.  The negatives are what make females strong.

   

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